It has always been extremely hard for me to ask for help, as I have associated that with not being able to get my shit together by myself, which in my head has too often been equal to complaining and dwelling in negativity as some people have certainly made me feel like that when I have shared my struggles. Instead of trying to find a safe place to share, I have often just decided that I will try to get into a better mood all by myself without really trying to look for long term support.
Has anything good come out of that? I’m certainly really good when it comes to analyzing my problems and figuring out the reasons behind them, but that also means that it’s difficult to come up with new solutions, something that another person can instantly see as you become blind to your own thoughts that easily end up following the same patterns. Withdrawing has also increased my feelings of not being seen or heard with the urge to constantly do more and try harder while not wanting to seem weak.
I never really wanted to move abroad, but as life brought me that opportunity I thought why not try, as you can always go back home if it turns out to be too difficult. Now, after two international moves in three years I’m still struggling as I didn’t seek the help and support right at the beginning. It’s hard to try to reach out for it when you don’t want to get up in the morning or go out and numb your pain with wine while you have been so disillusioned that your anxiety and problems will suddenly disappear when you just change your environment.
Reality, however, is that some things get better and some get worse. Every single place has it’s own problems and the best thing you can try to do is to find the place of belonging within you, not expecting that external changes will make you feel better.
If you just run away because you can’t really deal with what has been going on and when the culture shock intertwines with that, it’s not the nicest place to be. As I started to feel better I immersed myself in studying and dancing which of course helped, but didn’t really take away the original problem, not feeling like I belong.
the freedom you yearned has turned into another doubt
as you are still dragging your expectations and ideals with you
that weigh you down
and make you unable to see the opportunities of the present moment.
Hiding in the shadows of the walls you have built around you
from your fears and anxiety.
Refusing to get out into the world
feeling like a misfit, not being good enough to be heard,
as your doubts will follow you no matter where you go
even though you have tried so hard to shed them.
Worlds, and friends lost in the distant past.
Not because what you have decided
but what has just naturally happened.
Not feeling like being seen or being strong enough
when you try to take steps to move forward.
Lost with the meaning of the words, sentences and meaning of belonging.
Paralyzed, trying to find a community and some sense into this current reality that doesn’t feel like yours anymore.
Lost now or just wandering in the continuous loop of survival instead of thriving?
When and where do yo really find yourself?
When you have been stripped bare.
Not feeling like belonging,
forced to finally look inside without getting any answers.
What do you really believe in, what moves you?
How will you face the difficulties,
how do you get up and continue the journey from day after day,
do you know who you are anymore?
Are you still willing to go, see and learn?
Start from the beginning?
Building your new reality,
not knowing if it ever will be enough for you
as your mind wanders from past to the future.
It’s the only way to go through as you have cut loose all the strings
that hold you in the past.
With no help,
what will open up to you when you really accept everything
as it is
What will define you, your future,
what’s the real reason for you to live?
Are you courageous enough to define your world,
your new way of being, feeling, sensing and belonging.
Finding your peace no matter where you are.
The only thing that persist is the possibility for growth,
acceptance and learning.